We had a baby boy on January 13th 2013 at 11:55 pm. His birth story has a lot of ups and downs and mixed emotions. We are so thrilled that he is perfect and healthy, but we weren't sure things were going to turn out that way when we were in the middle of it.
I previously posted about my decision to have a natural childbirth and I went into this process with that in mind. I asked my good friend B, who is a doula to come and be with me and Dr. J throughout the process. It was such a blessing to have her there! I went into labor at church and after sacrament meeting decided to go home, but I had Little miss and Dr. J stay so LM could go to Primary. Around 2:30 I decided I needed B to come over because the contractions were getting more intense and close together. We all, and by this I mean ALL of us, me, Dr. J, LM, B, dogs, and my mom hung out on my bed or in my room. At around 4:30 The contractions were so intense I wanted to go to the hospital, so we climbed in a cab for the most painful awful cab ride of my life across town to Lenox Hill. I was so relieved to be in the hospital! This is where I differ from the majority of people, the hospital is one of the most comforting places for me when I'm experiencing pain of any kind. I guess it comes from working in the medical field for many years and knowing that if I'm hurting going to the hospital will fix the pain. Working as a surgical tech provided a place where I could forget my problems and personal pain and focus on someone else and help them feel better, so I know they would do the same for me.
I continued to labor for 2 more hours and I reached a point where I started to panic and I couldn't be calmed by Dr.J or B anymore. They checked me and I was at a 6. At this point I cried uncle! I looked at Bea and asked if she'd be disappointed in me if I got an epidural, she said not at all! This was my birth and I was in charge. I decided to get one and I am so grateful that I did. As in my previous post, I hated the epidural because I was completely incapacitated. At this hospital they gave me a walking epidural! It was the best of both worlds.
I kept waiting to hear the familiar cries of a newborn after he came out and for them to place him on my chest and nothing. All I heard was the commotion of people rushing in and saw my son being rushed to the table with 5or 6 people around him. With all of this, I wasn't panicking. I don't panic until I know there is something to panic about and I could still hear the heart monitor going strong and the voice of a nurse calling across the room that his heart rate was good, his heart rate was good.
*** Side note: When I was first pregnant I was terrified of having a miscarriage. I remember so vividly standing in the bathroom and hearing a very distinct still small voice saying to me that this was my baby and he would be born.
While they stitched me up Dr. J went with T to the NICU and B stayed with me. I was never more grateful to have her there than at that moment. I'm so glad I wasn't alone. Dr. J came back and said he was ok and the pediatrician came in to brief me of his condition. T had suffered what they kept calling, "a traumatic birth." They said he came out "stunned" and that's why he didn't cry. He had to be put on 100% oxygen, but after 20 min had stabilized and started to cry, but it was very labored and what I call "froggy." B went with me to go see him and again was so grateful that she was there to hold my hand. All I got to do was hold my son's hand. I couldn't hold him, couldn't kiss him. I was so sad, I didn't fully understand what had happened or why he was having to go through this.
Dr. J and B took me back to my room and tucked me into bed with a percocet and a blanket. In NYC the husband can't spend the night at the hospital because of the shared room situation. So Dr. J and B went home and I was then left...alone. The percocet kicked in and I wen't to sleep. The following 2 days in the hospital I tried to rest as much as I could and see T as much as I could. I finally got to hold him and nurse him, but I was devastated to learn that I would be going home without my baby. I was terrified at the idea that he would be all alone with out his mommy. I was terrified at the idea that he might not know who I was because we were immediately separated and missed out on that inital bonding moment right after birth. Then Dr. J told me that the veil between heaven and earth is still very thin for him and that angels and our family members were watching over him. I still left the hospital in tears.
The very next morning I got up and got ready, very slowly, still being in pain from childbirth and walked to the subway. I remember how much it hurt to sit on those hard seats and how slowly I now moved. I got off the train at 81st and Central park west and climbed many flights of stairs to the street. The pain I was in now made me so exhausted I didn't think I could go any further. I missed the bus because I walked so slowly, so I had to stand in the cold and wait for another. I took the bus to Madison avenue and walked 2 1/2 blocks to the hospital. I spent all day with my son, nursing him and just sitting with him. I was still afraid he didn't know who I was, I still had never seen his eyes.
For 5 more days I got up, took the train, took the bus, and walked to the hospital to spend a few precious hours doing as much for my son as possible. It killed me to leave him everyday and I came home in tears a couple of times and just sobbed in my room, forgetting that I still had to be a mom to my precious little girl that was until now had been the center of my universe.
Finally on Saturday the 19th we got to bring our baby boy home with a totally clean bill of health!
NEVER have I felt more joy. I finally felt like he was mine and that we could make up for all the time we had lost. I am so in love and so in heaven with my little boy. He and Little miss are and will forever be my entire life. I want to strive to be a better mommy for the both of them. I am very comfortable saying that my family is complete. I am so blessed to have 2 beautiful and perfectly healthy children.
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